There are only 3 Sexual Positions

22 positions my arse

I really want everyone to stop thinking that Prince is the standard for normal sex. Not everyone has 22 positions in a one night stand.

In fact, if you're a boring married/monogamous person in a standard heterosexual or homosexual arrangement like me, you are probably looking at no more than three sexual positions.

And we all know what they are: person A on top, person B on top and person B from behind.

That's it folks.

OK, OK, there's side by side positions, but really, most middle aged people have issues such as small male appendages that do not bend around corners, tummy flab and no stomach muscles to speak of. So let's be realistic.

When I was a teenager and before I was sexually active, or shall I say before I had enjoyed intercourse, I imagined hundreds of fun positions. Positions were the core game. I read the kama sutra and flicked through books at adult stores showing many interesting looking positions.

After trying a few in my early days of sexual exploration I realised they mostly fit into the category of "yoga sex" positions. And if you are in the majority of people not on welfare, you get up at 6am, make breakfast for the kids, go to work, come home at around 7pm and have barely enough energy left to choose from

a) swim at the beach (summer)
b) watch telly (winter)
c) lie down (year round!)
d) play with the kids - before dinner and bed...at around 9pm.


You do the maths. There's about two hours somewhere in the evening where you can choose your own adventure but you also need to eat, shower and wind down. Yoga doesn't factor into it. Neither do yoga sex positions. Some monogamous people manage to fit sex somewhere in that schedule of activities, usually right before bed and often while half already asleep.


Yoga is for people who have time to raise their chakras, and brush their hair (not that I'm suggesting they do that in their spare time. I'm not sure what they do. Actually I know what they do. Yoga sex.)

So if any of you yoga devotees are slamming down your rice milk chais, I suggest you hit the organic rubber and take a reality check.Very very few people have sex upside down on their heads or balanced sideways off the edge of the bed.

I hope I have squashed the myth of sexual positions once and for all, and I really hope all those sexual position books stop peddling empty promises to hopeful teenagers. It would put Prince and his modern representative like Rhianna and Kanye out of business.