The Best Brothel in Sydney

As you drive over the Sydney Harbor Bridge and head to the leafy north shore where I live, you pass an industrial area known as Artarmon which has the most brothels per square metre in Australia.

My first question is: who are going to these brothels? What demographic? Local men on their way home? Your husband?

According to a frequent visitor to Sydney’s many brothels, Hugo (not his real name), the best brothel in the city is Amanda Heavens. “Petit Aroma might be full of hot chicks but they don’t do anything. They’re all dud roots who just lie there. Amanda Heavens has older women, who are willing to really go the extra mile.” To get the best value for his dollar, he goes early because he wants to be the first customer, and he gets older women he says are horny and ready to slather him with affection. He likes to book a double session to really give himself a treat. Good for Hugo.

My husband is on his way next week to Bangkok for the first time, a city I know well after living there for three years in my 20s. A city I know and love, and a city I know offering the best in rub and tug and some amazing variety on the fantasy front. I tell me husband I don’t really mind if he’s curious, to go ahead and try (a rub, that is), but that maybe I’m just saying that because I know he would never go to a sex worker.

We discuss this, laughing at the thought of him doing this. I’d feel sorry for you. “You’d be really nervous and overwhelmed,” I say. "Like a shy schoolboy". He said he’d never do it, unless it was in an ultimate fantasy situation, where the girl was some unattainable distant model goddess and the atmosphere very high class. Somehow I doubt he’ll be finding that among the curling pink sticky lino and synthetic dividing curtains of Bangkok. I found myself accidentally in several brothels in Bangkok and it wasn't classy.

We discuss the sex workers in our local neighbourhood. Hugo says one of his favourites is a legal secretary who is bored at work and enjoys both the frequent sex and the extra income on the side. I support this, saying a lot of local girls in Brookvale are single professional women like doctors and lawyers who can kill two birds with one stone by getting sex and money for a night’s work. Saves a trip out.

We look up DA approvals for a nearby brothel and laugh at the claims. Arguments focus on the undesirables coming to the area, compromising safety and security. Counter arguments claim behaviour of patrons at brothels is fine and patrons “should be accepted as members of the community. There is no evidence brothels are associated with drug and crime. Development applications cannot be held back just because people do not like brothels".  The areas of Sydney in discussion in the two cases are Martyn v Hornsby Shire and Zhang vs. Ashfield. I would like to point out gently that both these shopping centres are already rather rough at the edges and agree that brothels continue to be treated unfavorably compared to other businesses. 

A few years ago Sydney City Council had to grapple with a new word that popped up on their documents: “suckatorium”. To address the ins and outs of suckatoriums, a favourite topic of conversation between my husband and I, will require a dedicated post. Another post will discuss the merits of charging by the hour, like in Sydney, or charging by ejaculate, as in parts of Greece and Las Vegas.

It is my husband who passes on this jewel: the "six star brothel" The Boardroom has a frequent knockers card, which covers the tenth visit to the room free. Just like a cafe. If only tired mummies could have brothels dedicated just to us. Oh wait – we do, they’re called beauty salons. Give me a brothel any day.